decisions

so i went to bed last night crying. and not from anything jeffe said or did, i was just thinking about my life so far, and the week/day gone by. my financial situation sucks, and frankly it always has, but i've always managed to get by. nowdays tho, it just seems like this overwhelming dark cloud i cant escape. and i know, more often than not, its me holding myself back, but then i think, is it really? when your own boss says you should be making X $$$, then why dont you just pay me that? and why cant you communicate with your employees, let alone yourselves? i've only had two bosses ever, ask me what i wanted (ok one, the other the job spoke for itself. i never shouldve left ventura, but i did). i used to have such passion, but now, its just loathing and hatred. i dont have any other skills however, so i trudge along. i really think going back to school was a bad idea, they never asked me what i wanted either. 

so, what is it i want? well, i'd love for my debt to go away. i'd like a better paycheck- to not be worked till i'm dead. i'd like to not wake up everyday wondering what i'm going to get yelled about that day- those in the biz know the job is organic, it changes day to day. theres structure, but each day brings its own challenges. and if you dont communicate, go with the flow, you will constantly think your employees are just jerking you around. (you'll know if i'm being vicious, i'll tell you- or just leave) i'd also love to merge my love for food and photography. and possibly history. i've been told theres a food anthropology class/course/degree. i'd love that. i'd also love to cook/bake for you. :) you know, sit around all day and BBQ. 

funny thing, i have so many ideas, thoughts, stuff to say, mostly when i'm in the shower, and now, those thoughts have vanished.(and then they came back, and vanished again, lol)  i guess its time to get off my butt, and look for better. because my loyalty apparently doesnt mean much. (ok to one it might). and yes, i'm aware this is public.  i've got to get this off my chest, these thoughts have been running around up there for some time. you know, jeffe asked me why i stay. you know, since the pay sucks, and my thought is this: its really hard to find a job that has the hours i potentially have. i dont start work until 9:30. i can be done by dinner. i miss that. i dont want to work at night anymore. i shouldnt have to. why cant i work breakfast hours? thats when i'm up and productive. i've paid my dues, i mean ive really paid them. i dont want to work in a hotel, and i dont want to work sundays. i give you my entire weekend, you can at least not be so butthurt as to give me sunday. without question. 

well, i need breakfast now. so i best get on that, then off to work for me. and do feel free to comment, ask questions, whatever. and thanks for reading my rambling post. if you've got ideas share them!